oh no.

i think i almost annoyed her. oh shit.

restless ; go home and rest

and damit, i couldn't get a wink of sleep or even a power nap cos my partner was sleeping during the whole shift. basket.

my photo is ridiculous

ripped off a few interesting tips from MJ's video. haha hes amazing...listed out all the problems that i've been having all along...
and so, happy birthday to kevin. grats dood, you're a year older now. though i didn't know that you were younger than me? i thought you're always older. bah

night shift today. bore. i need more food.

questions to ask

i realise that im too clingy... and that i must take things slowly and less personal approach..
am i right? please let me know...

thinking about it, again

sitting in front of the computer currently. my body feels tired but my mind is telling me not to sleep. bad days...a bad year. thats for me...i certainly hope things will be brighter soon. for her.

afternoon shift tomorrow...theres been loads of mosquitoes nowadays. annoying #$@%.
shall try to sleep. hmm.

and so, i won't be harping on it any longer. just wish things will go smoothly from here on.

trying not to annoy

am i making the right choice? i wonder.

i am back

physically, yeah..i'm at home now. haha
returned from night shift. tiring, boring and saw funny things again...nothing bad so i guess its alright.

todays a bore, tomorrows a bore too. i want to be better...improve myself.
hmm.

and why

they asked why am i still holding on.
if i don't, what is the reason to live?
i've fallen too deep, don't crap me with all the moral reason.

reminisice again

i can't believe i was actually the one who wrote this.

if anyone had told me that people will never change their spots, i'd knock them in the head, grab them and shake and scream " YES THEY DO"

good or bad, right or wrong, straight or gay. theres bound to be a significant change in that person as time goes by. maybe its because you've been with him/her for like, say 10 years and throughout that period of time, you watched him/her grow bit by bit, slowly. well obviously you won't be able to tell the difference.

but 10 years of absence from each other, and you'll realise that not only has that person changed in personality, looks too. some don't even change their dressing sense...same face, same hair, same facial features...
nonetheless, that person has grown up, be it common sense or stupidity.

insomnia

still I'm feeling for, a rose is breathing love in my life.

miserable days

thinking about what was said...

i asked myself this question, was this what i had really wanted it to be?

for all i know, i've never lived up to your expectations. i had never been what i've always thought myself to be. being too proud of my own dignity...

i always thought i was changing. i always thought that i was matured...
and then, reality hit me hard in the face. being the stupid guy that i always was, i was always trying to create a false impression for myself.

you were always there when i asked for you, but was i there when you needed me? maybe i do but i was never able to fulfill your expectations. i want to, i really wanted to.

instead, i made the biggest mistake in my life. instead of loving me again, you're starting to hate me like a pain in the ass. this wasn't what i wanted.
its going to hurt me like hell, but i guess i have to go through with it. part and parcel of life, you win and you lose.

i've said it too many times till you don't even believe my words anymore. what else can i say?
i'm desperate. but it doesn't help, it only kills the last speck hope that i had.
i am in depression, i am very dissapointed over myself. not you, but...just myself.

i always thought i've changed. but i didn't. last entry. bye.

the gentle hands

hi guys, been pretty busy the whole day. national service really sucks your energy and life. duty shift tomorrow night till friday morning. sounds boring right? and to add on to the injury, i'm still feeling miserable everyday.

wonder how i'm supposed to survive tomorrow. whats my next step?

i just need you.

the alarm clock

almost gave in to the old bug of mine. seriously, i almost screwed it up again. oh man, whats happeneing to me. keep calm..4 more hours before i'm leaving for camp. dont think i'll sleep much...

=\

punches the wall

hi people, i'm back (:

i guess a one day of self-reflection didn't do much but it improved my emotions tremendously.
many thoughts ran through my mind while i was doing some thinking. its personal and extremely private so i won't be revealing it here :D haha

today, we went to the Woodlands Checkpoint to do a tour on the various security measures against illegal immigrants and checkpoint offenders. the cat-claw is simply amazing! just a small button and a vehicle can be immobilized to scrap.

we went to the cafeteria during lunch time. even though food was to be provided back at camp, i went on and bought myself a big meal...after days of starving myself. it actually calms my mind and made me think hard. anyway, i didn't really liked the food prepared back at the camp.

going to practice my songs now. blessing and wishes to everyone, may you be well and happy.
thanks to all my friends, PKL gang, Reaching Jhana and many others who had tried their best to cheer me up. you guys were great and i'm fortunate to know people like you all.
i wouldn't have pulled through if not for all of you. THANKS!


i'm still thinking though.

with deepest regret, this blog shall not be updated till another person does so.

is sorry the only thing i'm capable of saying and not doing anything?

why the fuck did i have to open my mouth. why the fuck didn't i make a difference.

fuck myself.

Reaching Jhana

Music Sharing

our own compositions,
Strive
Not Without You
Buddhist Boy

enjoy.

Strive



Not Without You



Buddhist Boy

Video by Zheming

i'm still looking forward to that day...

Valentines

time check, its Valentines Day today. Its a happy day for some people, a lonesome and depressing one for some.

which do you belong to?

feeling a little...hopeful?

things are on the brighter side. too many things were left unsaid and i was practically living in my own world...oblivious to other things =.=

ah well.

this is what happens when there are too many linens to spare. lol

you don't need to smile when hurting someone

i will never forget the smell of your hair.

sigh :\

where are you...how are you...are you alright...are you feeling well and happy...i want to know that you're doing ok and safe...

hmm.

just finished my essay report.



well, someday..sometime... self-cheering batteries are almost exhausted. oh nos. D: sadface

argh

dilemma. dilemma. didn't really have much appetite for the whole week. a week of 3 meals per day at HTA, i think i only ate about 4 meals througout this week only? but nvm...

returned from interview and my, it was extremely tense back there. my heart was already pounding when i was only outside the door. overall, i think the whole thing went well..can't reveal much. OSA. lol

i really do hope the worst case scenario will not happen.

Du Lan

slept pretty late last night, woke up around 12. headed down with the gang to PKS at Guang Ming Shan to steal some brunch. there was some farewell event going on so we just went in and "herher, hi, oh hi hi" grabbed some food, went out of the hall to grill the mushrooms. the packet of vegetarian butter that was originally full, was reduced to the size of a mobile phone by the time we were done with our grilling.

haha, went off in zhemins car after that. there wasn't enough space so i volunteered for the car boot. pretty fun, cept for the limited air in which i had to control my breathing. i thought i had Claustrophobia, turns out it was actually interesting to me. LOL

the whole ride in the boot was peaceful, until we came to the hump and i was like #@$%.
signed up for library premium membership. why? just cos i can loan games from bishan libray. LOL.


i will change, i must change. i want you back. i need you.