i asked myself this question, was this what i had really wanted it to be?

for all i know, i've never lived up to your expectations. i had never been what i've always thought myself to be. being too proud of my own dignity...

i always thought i was changing. i always thought that i was matured...
and then, reality hit me hard in the face. being the stupid guy that i always was, i was always trying to create a false impression for myself.

you were always there when i asked for you, but was i there when you needed me? maybe i do but i was never able to fulfill your expectations. i want to, i really wanted to.

instead, i made the biggest mistake in my life. instead of loving me again, you're starting to hate me like a pain in the ass. this wasn't what i wanted.
its going to hurt me like hell, but i guess i have to go through with it. part and parcel of life, you win and you lose.

i've said it too many times till you don't even believe my words anymore. what else can i say?
i'm desperate. but it doesn't help, it only kills the last speck hope that i had.
i am in depression, i am very dissapointed over myself. not you, but...just myself.

i always thought i've changed. but i didn't. last entry. bye.